ROBERT SCHIMMEL’S SEX ED

The undisputed king of X-rated comedy, Robert Schimmel got his big break when he appeared in a 1988 Rodney Dangerfield special on HBO. Later, Schimmel wrote for the Fox comedy show, In Living Color. But this devoted husband and dad is always best live, where he is able showcase any and all of his dirty bits. When it comes to this genre, Schimmel is simply fearless, even going where comics dare to tread: incorporating his own daughter into an X-rated routine.

Talking About Sex With My Teenage Daughter

“I have a 19-year-old daughter. She goes to college, I just bought her a car, and I’m gonna surprise her. So I go call her up.
She’s gonna meet me for dinner with her boyfriend at this restaurant that I’m gonna like, and after we eat we come out in the parking lot and there’s a new car sitting out there in the parking lot, and she goes:
“Dad, that’s the kind of car I want. That car, and that color and everything,”
And I said, ‘That is your car,” and I pulled the keys out and I gave it to her- she deserves it. So then her boyfriend goes,
‘Boy, I wish you were my dad,”
And I said, ‘Well I don’t, because then you’d be fucking your sister.’
He looked really on edge after that…
He’s a nice guy I guess, you know, he’s trying to suck up to me, I guess, and I can’t be his buddy,
‘Hey, Mr. Schimmel, why don’t we get together and hit some balls?”
‘Yea, how about yours- with a shovel,’

I can’t be his friend, I… If he’s gets married, and they have a couple of kids, then I’ll be his buddy. When he’s 19 and he’s on the pussy scavenger hunt, I can’t be his pal. I always try and trap him, but he never falls for it… I go, ‘You know, Steve, when you’re 69’ing, you ever have that thing where… And he just won’t do it; he’s too smart for it:
When you got your face up there in that 19 year old snatch, you know what I’m talking about…Oh, you don’t? Good boy- you’re getting a car, you’re going to get a car too.’
But I know they haven’t gone all the way, I know it for a fact… Because I checked myself.
No, it’s a joke. It’s a joke… My friend Joey checked. No, here’s what happened: My daughter had to go to the gynecologist and my wife couldn’t go with her. So my wife asked, ‘will you go with Jess to the gynecologist?’ So I had my Mom go with us. So I’m sitting in the waiting room, and my Mom comes out and goes, “everything’s still intact!’ So. It’s true.
Then my daughter calls me from college, and she goes, ‘Hey dad,’ because she thinks she can talk to me about sex because of my act. You know, like I’m a cool dad, and we can talk about it. And she says, ‘Hey, dad, my boyfriend’s starting to wonder what it’s like to go all the way.’ Well, maybe I’ll come down there and fuck him, and then he won’t be curious anymore. ‘Well, Steve, was it what you expected? Stop crying. Maybe tomorrow I’ll teach you how to blow me… You’re not gonna shit on the bed, don’t worry about it.’
So she thinks she can talk to me about sex, and she can’t, and I love her, I mean, but she’s still my little girl. She’s goes, ‘Oh, but Dad-’ and because I talk about it on stage she can ask Dad anything. So she asks, ‘How do you know when it’s the right time to do it with a guy?’
When his dick’s at an angle like this (points down), that’s when it’s the right time. When you can hang a towel on it and he doesn’t go, ‘Ow!’ then hop on and ride home.
And she really tries to talk to me about it, she really does. She’ll say, ‘You know what I don’t understand about guys, is that you think sex is different for girls. It’s the same thing!’
A great conversation to have with a 19 year old daughter, “Girls like porno movies too.”
She said, ‘You know, it’s the same thing, we have the same urges,’ And I said,’ No, Jess, it’s not the same thing. There’s big difference between girls and guys when it comes to sex,’
And she says, ‘No.’ I said, ‘Yea, I’ll prove it to you, I mean, if a girl calls you on the phone and says, ‘I just want you to know I’m touching myself while we’re talking right now,’ The guy would go, ‘Really?’ (boing!)
If you’re on the phone with a girl, and you go, ‘Hey, I’m jacking off while we’re talking,’
Click…Hello?”


Almost ten years ago, Schimmel was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a type of cancer. The crude jokes, not to mention his career, came to a halt. After enduring chemotherapy, it went into remission, and after a few months, Schimmel was back on the road peddling his trademark dirty routines… including a couple about his cancer ordeal. Meanwhile, Jessica, now a college grad, was with her dad every step of the way through his experience. Meanwhile she ‘s probably started keeping some experiences to herself.

Jessica Schimmel, daughter of comic

“This routine was absolutely a true story about. I think the bit was about was originally just about me coming to my dad about wanting to lose my virginity. Because my boyfriend, who I ended up being with for five years, was pressuring me. We never actually knew that he was doing that routine. Then one night we’d driven down to surprise him at a show, and he was doing that bit. My ex-boyfriend was totally blown away and embarrassed about being in the audience. Right after my dad got offstage, everybody was like, ‘are you Robert’s daughter’s boyfriend?’”
So it was interesting, because I’d always grown up with some of that, but it becomes a strange thing when all of these people know such a personal story about you. Especially when he never really asked permission as to whether or not he could use it. And he still does that bit sometimes. It’s definitely one of his older routines, but a classic, so he still brings it back sometime.

Chris Bohjalian, bestselling author of ten books, including Midwives, Before You Know Kindness, and The Buffalo Soldier.

“My daughter is eleven, and I dread the day — and it’s coming — when a nice young man is going to arrive at our front door to take her out on a date, and I am going to have to spray him with a firehouse or insist that she bring a Rottweiler with them to the movies. After all, I was a teenage boy once. Granted it was in the Mesozoic period, but the basics haven’t changed. And that’s why I love this routine by Robert Schimmel. Yes, it’s coarse and on occasion pretty heavy-handed. But it brilliantly gets at the absolute loathing that any father is going to have for his daughter’s boyfriends, because — pure and simple — we love our children so much.”

10:12 am  •  28 January 2009

Woody Allen’s Moose and Misdemeanors

Before Allen made “Manhattan,” he took the city by storm with this offbeat hunting tale. In his early days of performing, though, Allen was gun-shy. A nervous wreck, Allen tried to camouflage himself with the stage’s microphone, not to mention his thick, signature specs. Ultimately, Allen’s great story telling made him a hit with audiences, while his own story made him a hit with the tabloid press.

I Shot A Moose

Here’s a story you’re not going to believe. I shot a moose once. I was hunting in upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strap him onto the fender of my car, and I’m driving along the West Side Highway. But what I didn’t realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased his scalp, knocking him unconscious. And I’m driving through the Holland Tunnel and the moose wakes up. So I’m driving with a live moose on my fender and the moose is signaling for a turn.

And there’s a law in New York State against driving with a conscious moose on your fender, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

And I’m very panicky. And then it hits me — some friends of mine are having a costume party. I’ll go. I’ll take the moose. I’ll ditch him at the party. It won’t be my responsibility. So I drive up to the party and I knock on the door, and the moose is next to me. My host comes to the door. I say, ‘Hello, you know the Solomon’s.’

We enter. The moose mingles. Did very well. Scored. Some guy was trying to sell him insurance for an hour and a half. Twelve o’clock comes; they give out prizes for the best costume of the night.

First prize goes to the Berkowitzes, a married couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. The moose is furious. He and the Berkowitzes lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious.

Now, I figure, here’s my chance. I grab the moose, strap him on my fender, and shoot back to the woods. But I’ve got the Berkowitzes. So I’m driving along with two Jewish people on my fender. And there’s a law in New York State, Tuesday, Thursday, and especially Saturday….

The following morning, the Berkowitzes wake up in the woods in a moose suit. Mr. Berkowitz is shot, stuffed, and mounted at the New York Athletic Club. And the joke is on them, ‘cause it’s restricted.

Unfortunately, this great raconteur did not stick around long on the stand-up scene. By 1965, Allen was shooting something else entirely – movies. While Allen has made more than thirty flicks to his credit, many stand-up connoisseurs believe that his very best work was actually as a stand-up…

Woody Allen in Nothing Routine on, “I Shot a Moose,” Routine:

No I have never been hunting. It just occurred to me. I can’t remember where or when. It is a total fabrication. I never was hunting or anything and usually in those night club years things would occur to me in the day time and I would mark them down and try them out in the evening and gradually some things would work and some things wouldn’t and as the weeks went by, even months; you would add things or subtract things. Stuff would really evolve more or less not in one full swoop but over periods of time. It was so long ago that I can’t recall the specific details of it, but it emerged I’m sure the way all of my material, or 99 percent of it emerged when I was a nightclub comic and that is with some notion that would occur to me in the day time. And I would talk about it on the floor. I played the kind of night clubs where you could experiment very easily. I really wasn’t under the gun to succeed and I’d be down in the Village or something and you know you could speak freely at night and some stuff would drop away by natural selection and other ideas apparently made the audience laugh: so that stuff would stick.

7:54 pm  •  20 January 2009